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Bookshelf : Relationships


The Upside to Breakups

Let’s face it, breakups can be hard and many times they can leave us wondering what in the world could possibly be positive about this experience. Well, to say that I understand how you feel is an understatement. Yet, what I’ve found, is that there can be many upsides to breakups if you just take the time to break them down…here are just a few.

You’re free! Cus face it, some of us weren’t!

Now that you are a single you can take back your freedom and release the responsibility you once had for the other person, the relationship and perhaps even regain portions of your own identity that may have become tied up and dependant on who you were as a couple.

Get back to me…focusing on self

If after a breakup you have found yourself asking, “so what do I with my life now?” the answer is simple, “what do you want to do?” Just remember that trip you wanted to take to NYC or that hobby you pushed to the side. Being single doesn’t mean you have to be lonely and doesn’t mean life is now boring. If anything it can be the most exciting time of your life if you wish it to be. This is the time to get back to focusing on the things that make YOU happy, enrich YOUR life and bring YOU closer to that person YOU want to be. Just think, you never have to spend another Saturday watching college football only to be lost and confused as to what a Crackback block is. Unless of course you want to and in that case please explain what it is because I still don’t know.

Freer to do ministry & service

“I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7: 32-34

    This is a wonderful time to get in touch with the one who loves you most. Make yourself fully devoted and available to whatever God may call you to do. As a single you are not divided between a spouse and a family you have a remarkable freedom in service and in ministry.

Brighter days ahead, your someone is still out there

I know I know, your ex was perfect…riighhhht… Well its over. So imagine this, they may have been perfect perhaps…but perfect for someone else and maybe not the perfect one for you. And that’s a-o-k because all it means is that there is still someone out there who is. Sure there are no perfect people but there is someone who will accept and love your perfect imperfections and for them you will do just the same.

Friends with an Ex?

Today I was reading my devotion and was lead to 1 corinthians 10:23

“I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.

& it got me to thinking about the freedom we have to choose. The freedom to choose what college we go to. The freedom to choose what city we live in and the freedom to choose between a balanced breakfast or peanut M&M’s. But just because we have the freedom to choose the places we go and the things we do it doesn’t mean that our choices should be frivolous. The truth is, often times many of the choices we have to make are never between what’s horribly evil and what’s fiercely good. Our choices are usually between what’s better and what’s best. Obviously, as you can see from the title of this post, one thought lead to another and with my recent relationships end I’ve been sincerely trying to answer this question for myself, “Can I be friends with my ex?” What’s better and what’s best? Here’s what I’ve concluded when considering the matter.

From Lovers to Friends Will Take Time…A-P-A-R-T

In my experience I don’t think I’ve ever gone from beau to buddy overnight…Let alone Fiance to friend. It’s never happened for me. I’m sure there are some success stories out there somewhere and more power to them. But I think its safe to say that in general developing an authentic friendship with someone you’ve dated takes time and time apart. This allows you to detach feelings and expectations of what the relationship once was. Its time to grieve, heal, and recover from the passing of the old aspect of the relationship so you can harbor a true friendship. Without that time apart you never allow for closure leaving yourself susceptible to regurgitating old hurts, developing unrealistic expectations or even reigniting romantic feelings the two of you used to share.

How and Why Did the Relationship End?

Its important to keep in mind that not every relationship is worth the fight to save it or revive it. If either of you were toxic for the other or you just simply do not get along with one another why on earth would you ever want to be friends with someone you do not vibe with, let alone like?

Always Go Natural

Friendships should develop naturally and shouldn’t be forced or pressured to be anything more or move any faster than what is comfortable for both parties. If you want to be friends with an ex it is essential to share that notion with the other and give them the choice to either reciprocate or decline and be respectful of that person’s space and decision as well.

Check Yo Self

What are your motives? dum dum dummmmm. I’ve had to ask this question of myself and even of my exes when they have reached out in friendship. Its important to know what drives you and compels you to want to remain friends after intimate love fades. Is it to avoid the pain that comes with heartbreak and love loss? Is it to rekindle and try again for what you once had? Or is it simply because you value your relationship and the platonic love you had and are genuinely seeking to salvage that aspect as friends? Either way be honest with yourself about what your motives. really are.

Not Every End is a Friend

Note: Not every relationships end will end up in friendship and that’s absolutely ok. I have exes I still talk to every week, exes I follow and communicate with on social media and exes I hope to never see again. Its different from person to person and not everyone will end up being friends so don’t pressure yourself to be one way or the other.

Conclusion: Is it beneficial?

And to bring it all back to the beginning…Is being friends with an ex beneficial for you? Do you regress in the healing process every time he/she texts you or do you feel inspired and uplifted when you casual talk every now and then? Does the relationship build you up? Does it edify your life or theirs? At the end of the day only you can answer these questions, it is the choice between whats better and whats best.. for you… 🙂