Friends with an Ex?

Today I was reading my devotion and was lead to 1 corinthians 10:23

“I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.

& it got me to thinking about the freedom we have to choose. The freedom to choose what college we go to. The freedom to choose what city we live in and the freedom to choose between a balanced breakfast or peanut M&M’s. But just because we have the freedom to choose the places we go and the things we do it doesn’t mean that our choices should be frivolous. The truth is, often times many of the choices we have to make are never between what’s horribly evil and what’s fiercely good. Our choices are usually between what’s better and what’s best. Obviously, as you can see from the title of this post, one thought lead to another and with my recent relationships end I’ve been sincerely trying to answer this question for myself, “Can I be friends with my ex?” What’s better and what’s best? Here’s what I’ve concluded when considering the matter.

From Lovers to Friends Will Take Time…A-P-A-R-T

In my experience I don’t think I’ve ever gone from beau to buddy overnight…Let alone Fiance to friend. It’s never happened for me. I’m sure there are some success stories out there somewhere and more power to them. But I think its safe to say that in general developing an authentic friendship with someone you’ve dated takes time and time apart. This allows you to detach feelings and expectations of what the relationship once was. Its time to grieve, heal, and recover from the passing of the old aspect of the relationship so you can harbor a true friendship. Without that time apart you never allow for closure leaving yourself susceptible to regurgitating old hurts, developing unrealistic expectations or even reigniting romantic feelings the two of you used to share.

How and Why Did the Relationship End?

Its important to keep in mind that not every relationship is worth the fight to save it or revive it. If either of you were toxic for the other or you just simply do not get along with one another why on earth would you ever want to be friends with someone you do not vibe with, let alone like?

Always Go Natural

Friendships should develop naturally and shouldn’t be forced or pressured to be anything more or move any faster than what is comfortable for both parties. If you want to be friends with an ex it is essential to share that notion with the other and give them the choice to either reciprocate or decline and be respectful of that person’s space and decision as well.

Check Yo Self

What are your motives? dum dum dummmmm. I’ve had to ask this question of myself and even of my exes when they have reached out in friendship. Its important to know what drives you and compels you to want to remain friends after intimate love fades. Is it to avoid the pain that comes with heartbreak and love loss? Is it to rekindle and try again for what you once had? Or is it simply because you value your relationship and the platonic love you had and are genuinely seeking to salvage that aspect as friends? Either way be honest with yourself about what your motives. really are.

Not Every End is a Friend

Note: Not every relationships end will end up in friendship and that’s absolutely ok. I have exes I still talk to every week, exes I follow and communicate with on social media and exes I hope to never see again. Its different from person to person and not everyone will end up being friends so don’t pressure yourself to be one way or the other.

Conclusion: Is it beneficial?

And to bring it all back to the beginning…Is being friends with an ex beneficial for you? Do you regress in the healing process every time he/she texts you or do you feel inspired and uplifted when you casual talk every now and then? Does the relationship build you up? Does it edify your life or theirs? At the end of the day only you can answer these questions, it is the choice between whats better and whats best.. for you… 🙂

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